food for thought

Today I had the opportunity to spend the entire day on the beach alone. I can only remember one other time that i have ever really gone to the beach and laid out all alone. I was able to watch the waves come in and crash on the shore and look up at the beautiful clear sky. I also saw a crazy woman running up and down the beach yelling "Everyone out of the water! There is a 6 foot shark in the water!!" it was comical to me because of course there are sharks in the water, it’s the ocean. As far as I could see everyone was running out of the water onto the beach bc of this woman... sad day for the people who don’t get to go to the beach all the time.
any ways. It may just be me, but in my Christian walk I have good and bad days. I have days where I have never been so close to God and I feel like he is attached at my hip but then I also have days that I have never felt so far from God, where I feel like I could pray one minute and do something so ungodly the next. (these times scare me)...Its amazing to me how sometimes when we just simply get away from life everything seems to become so clear! My head drives me crazy because it never shuts up! Today and the past few days I have felt Gods presence surrounding me more than I have in a while. The sad fact is, He hasn’t changed He has always been there, I just get my mind all clouded up. I have been struggling over a year now with the entire concept of "why am I still here.. What is my purpose" Tonight as I was coming home.. I looked up at the stars that like I do many nights.. and Every time I look up I can’t help but wonder how far "they" are from me. I can’t help but question everything that exists as I know it. I cant help but question everything from beginning to end, known and unknown.. Maybe I should not be admitting all of this but I feel there are many other people that do the exact same thing. As I question I begin to feel bad for second guessing everything, but then I realize God created us to wonder and question and that very fact that I was "created" is answer enough to so many of my questions..
I have realized more than ever in the last year that as much as I wish I could get in some peoples hearts and let them feel what I feel sometimes, just so they can value there God given life, I simply cant. There is not another person in this world that looks at the sky and wonders where exactly are they,, how many miles, how many layers of atmospheres and how many galaxies, or how many light years are they away.???? These questions I wonder daily and daily I still can not comprehend all of Gods creation. Daily I’m still told "no you cant see them yet.”. I never would have believed I would wake up and think "will I get to see them today? will today be the day?" but I do.. I can’t help it. I think about it so much that I even forget sometime that I must die to see them... I know this is all crazy but what I have realized is that this thinking of "will today be the day?" should be all of our mind sets.. but the sad fact remains that it isn’t. Life comes in and we get distracted .. and as much as I can will it and want someone to understand me they simply can not because they have not faced what I have faced. One of the hardest things for me through the healing process is that I find myself not being able to understand most people my own age. This is simply because of what I have been through. Many 22 year olds think of themselves as kids including many of my friends, where as I am a widow.. something you think of more for an 80 year old woman. I have a hard time with this and understanding God.. its seems so unfair to me.. A fav song of mine states…”I made you promises a thousand times, I try to hear from heaven but I talk the whole time, I think I made you too small, I never feared you at all, if you touched my face would I know you. Looked into my eyes could I behold you? What do I know of you, who spoke me into motion, where have I even stood, but the shore along your ocean, are you fire are furry? are you sacred? Are you beautiful? So what do I know, what do I know of wholly?” This song is truly how I feel.. I thought I had God somewhat figured out but now I realize I could NEVER come close to figuring Him out. I can never go back to that care free part of my life. Beth Moore said something the other day that really hit home with me.. she said "You can not amputate your history from your destiny" I catch myself wanting to be able to be care free and a "kid" again sometimes.. but then I realize, that is not me, I cant try to pretend I haven’t been dealt the life I have and that I am simply normal... I have to realize that my history the story of my husband and my brother is now my story.. I cant run from it, I cant keep thinking I’m going to wake up and this is all going to have been a dream.. I feel it is my duty and the least I can do to use my history "their" history to fulfill my destiny.. Just food for thought, what is your history that will lead you to your destiny